Nicholas Bate

How To Think Like: The Creative Guru from the Agency

1. So..to summarise..
2. You are about service excellence. It's your key USP...
3... your warmth as an organisation...your truly homogenous, firm and holistic approach..
4. And yet your central core which is literally open to any new ideas...
5. With your distinctive and essential 'flavour'...
6. We are delighted...after 6 consecutive days brainstorming..to reveal your new logo..
7. Yes: a cinnamon bagel.

How To Think Like: The English Tourist Abroad in France.

1. Er...dos? Due? TWO!
2. Si...tas de..er du..cafe.
3. Merci.
4. Avez vous any er...toast? And jam? Jambon?
5. Merci.
6. Ciao. Ciao.
7. From London, actually.

How To Think LIke: Your GP Doctor

1. OK. Probably nothing to worry about.
2. Lots of it about at the moment. Just one of these odd many viruses.
3. Sure. Let's just do your blood pressure while you are here.
4. Mmmm. A little high. No-it's not probably connected.
5. OK. Here's a leaflet on reducing blood pressure.
6. Come back and see me if the other thing doesn't go away. We can always consider antibiotics.
7. And give that to the nurse. Thanks for stopping by.

How to Think Like: The Procrastinator

1. Ok, let's just make note to self to tackle that tomorrow or certainly by the end of next week.
2. That's kind: latte, extra shot would be great.
3. I think that would be a great thing to tackle some time when we have a little more space and energy.
4. I would it's just that I'm not fully on top of my e-mail at the moment.
5. Could I have a few of your yellow stickies? I need a bigger white-board!
6. Maybe..
7. Lunch would be great.

How To Think Like: The CEO Delivering his/her Key-note speech

1..but humour aside..
2..this is the year in which we will return shareholder value..
3..break down communication barriers between the various silos which have appeared in our organisation...
4...ensure each and every employee is valued fully..
5..in particular respecting diversity..
6..that we realise our goal of being Number 1 in our chosen field..
7..continue our contribution to the community of which we are a part..Thank you.

How To Think Like: The East End of London Crime Scene Guru

1. Jeez: how much damage can you boys-in-blue do in the 27 minutes it takes me to get here?
2. Samantha: photos of that hair please. 360 degrees. Thanks, Love.
3. Was the original position of the bedroom door? Got a right one here, haven't we lads?
4. Mmm. Odd that the iPod is still playing. Cr*p choice of music, too.
5. Sam-bag that chocolate too please. Yeah-preserve the fold of the foil too, love. Try a little, will you!
6. No way. You've been watching far too much TV; it's never that complicated.
7. Alright-anyone for a Great British Breakfast? I love black pudding after a good murder.

How to Think Like: A Rat

1. Few people really understand rats. I could say we are mis-understood. We paid Disney a lot for the recent film but it doesn't seem to have really helped.
2. It's our appearance, see.
3. Mice. Now they are small, so apparently they are cute.
4. Squirrels. Well, it's all that scampering they do which humans fall for.
5. But we rats; we have been badly labelled. Rodents: can you believe it?!
6. But remember we are smarter than you humans and just need a critical mass which is fast approaching to take over the whole system starting with the London Underground and the Cabinet War rooms and with your poor rubbish collection systems coupled with global warming you have not got long at all....
7. Oh, and did you know RAT is an anagram of ART. Yeah, puts a different slant on things, doesn't it? We'll be back.

How to Think Like: the (slightly weary) International Business Traveller

1. Old town, please!
2. Since when did you need a visa for Dublin?
3. Ciao!
4. Is that euros or dollars?
5. A public holiday! Heck!
6. Do you know which terminal for Delta?
7. Jeez, my Blackberry is down.

How To Think Like: The Wine Expert

1. Mmm. Peat. Yes.
2. Irish peat. Smoky.
3. With a hint of Tuscan lemon.
4. And just a hint of risotto.
5. Possibly too much garlic.
6. A little too accessible.
7. Should have stuck with my usual Wine Merchant.

How to Think Like: an Extra-Terrestrial

1. How dumb are those humans, anyway?
2. Stonehenge
3. Area 51
4. Removing all the dinosaurs over one (wet) bank holiday week-end.
5. How many clues do they need?
6. You'd have thought warming up the planet a degree or two would do it.
7. But no-masters of rationalisation. Too smart for their own good.