Travel 101

1. Paris: romance, architecture and the Mona Lisa.
2. London: history, The Thames and fish & chips.
3. Sydney: icons: bridge, opera house and shorts.
4. Rome: columns, high fashion and chocolate pizza.
5. Milan: Howard Schulz discovers the idea for Starbucks, large architecture and what a railway station!
6. Manhattan: buzz: 24 by 7, Ellis Island, Grand Central. Oh and great New Yorkers.
7. Airports: no pleasure no more, duty free daft, take your shoes off one more time.
8. Planes: the end: fuel, environment and security. We have had enough.
9. Railways: Japanese bullet. German: on-time. Steam: beautiful but ruins your top-coat.
10. Bicycles: punctures, panniers and parasols.
11. Security: The Ultimate Catch 22: Complain and You Must Be a Terrorist.
12. 100ml: System International gets finally understood because of terrorism.
13. Singapore: massage, humidity, not much jungle left. Oh, and lovely people.
14. Food: exotic is good, but what about egg and chips? Baked beans, too. Please.
15. Passport: please remove from its cover, stand in front of the desk. Security takes time, sir.
16. Jet lag: stick to local time, meditate and remember: it’s only body chemistry that causes you to feel EXTREMELY ratty.
17. Time zones: how do they really work?
18. Low cost airlines. Low cost; high pain. Low cost; high rudeness. Low cost; no baggage. Low cost: no joy.
19. Flat beds. Wow. Wow. Wow.
20. Hotel: how long can you build a corridor? How tall can you build a hotel? How fast can a lift travel?
21. Taxis: but in London they know where places are. Sure, I know. This isn’t London.
22. Check in time. For security reasons it is now the day before the week before you were thinking of leaving unless you check-in on-line and have no luggage and do not actually travel yourself. Please read all conditions and check the box and enter your credit card number. No, you have no rights at all.
23. Starbucks: here, there and everywhere.
24. Hola! Be friendly to the locals.
25. Ciao. Especially in Italy.
26. Old Quarter. The good, the bad and the ugly.
27. Open top bus. ..this is the old Olympic village..this is…where Picasso...
28. Multi-country phone charger. Where did I put it?
29. Helpful person: where are you tying to get to, buddy?
30. Alarm clock. Essential if you don’t want to miss the reason you flew half-way around the world.
31. Laundry. Cheaper to buy new clothes, sometimes. A good excuse anyway.
32. Il Duomo, Firenze. Climb it and be amazed. Do it again tomorrow.
33. Wine. No longer ruled by France. Try New Zealand wines. Gorgeous.
34. Venice. Wow, wow, wow.
35. No signal. Now why is that? The Universe is saying get out of your hotel bunker and discover Hong Kong. Go on...
36. Business Class lounge. Shower. Food. Wi-fi. Show your pass. Of course.
37. Lost luggage. Top tip: never have anything you actually need in any of your luggage. Carry it all in your pocket.
38. Swiss Army Knives: the end of an industry thanks to terrorism. Or more correctly: our response to terrorism.
39. You want to give her a hug. She got you on the flight. She was friendly and she transferred your luggage. Give her a hug. What’s the worst that can happen?
40. Sh*t. Which side of the road do I drive on?
41. Jeez: where the heck in Tokyo am I? And how do I get back to my hotel?
42. When you said no food to come into Australia, I didn’t think that included the two bananas I had in my back-pack. No, I am not being deliberately awkward.
43. Best book-shop in the world: at The Rocks, Sydney.
44. Dublin. Gained some. Lost a lot. But thank goodness, kept the lovely people. To be sure-thanks a million.
45. Liverpool: Beatles, Liver Birds and wit.
46. Edinburgh: castle, shortbread and bagpipes.
47. Salisbury: Cathedral, grammar schools, Stonehenge.
48. Oxford: University, MCS, town+gown.
49. Eton: ritual, rhythm and young gentlemen.
50. Madrid: tapas, coffee and brandy, street markets.
51. Moscow: why is Red Square closed?
52. St Petersburg: wow, wow, wow. How did they do that?
53. Amsterdam: watch out for (1) the bicycles (2) the muffins (3) and English which is spoken a lot better than yours.
54. Copenhagen: more bicycles. Cool design. Braziers outside cafes in Winter.
55. Oslo: beautiful and lonely.
56. Stockholm. Go in winter. Love it. A whole lot more than Abba and Volvos (although both are great).
57. The Euro: we said no. They wish they had said no.
58. Immigration. Oh, the green form. Oh, on both sides. Oh, not for those under 12.
59. Iris scan. We can read your mind via this device. You didn’t know that, did you?
60. Que?
61. LA. The world’s largest graph paper. Home to Harry Bosch, USC and West Coast cool. I love it.
62. San Diego. Have I mentioned you need to be reading Don Winslow. Well, come on!
63. Ann Arbor. University, Lakes and a great hardware store.
64. Reykjavik: surely the decimal point on that bill is in the wrong place?
65. Hire car: why didn’t you mention all the extras?
66. Toronto: cool city.
67. Montréal: smart city.
68. Quebec: historic city.
69. Lo siento. My fault. I’m sorry.
70. The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new landscapes but in having new eyes. Marcel Proust.
71. A to Z of London. Too big to carry. OR. Too small to read. Life is full of tricky decisions.
72. Reserve a table: no. Go somewhere where there is no need to reserve. Use your intuition: it’ll be fine.
73. The mall; how many Gaps?
74. The beach: how many grains of sand?
75. Exchange rate: mmm. What a rip off!
76. Sun glasses: where did I leave them?
77. Sun: too much, too soon. It isn’t fun. Repair with Aloe Vera.
78. Hydrate: water. More water. Less alcohol.
79. Walk: it’s a whole lot easier. Especially if you want to get to Covent Garden.
80. Europe in a day. Why would you want to do that?
81. Itinerary: print it out. Then tear it up. Have fun. Be you. Wander.
82. Traveller’s Tips (1): Pay more for the hotel and stay central.
83. Traveller’s tips (2): Look at guide books discreetly.
84. Traveller’s tips (3): Carry two wallets. One false one which can be given to any mugger should that be necessary.
85. Global warming. All good things must come to an end.
86. Helicopter across the Grand Canyon.
87. Culture. Which are the best bits of La Prada? Por favor?
88. Florida: Paul Schwend, great surfing and lovely gorgeous juice.
89. Inverness: raspberry picking. Don’t put pebbles in the punnets.
90. South of France: grape picking, free daily wine. And baguettes in the field.
91. Rough Guides: too much info. But not their fault.
92. Moleskine city guides. Lovely.
93. A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships were built for. William Shedd.
94. She spoke German and no English. He spoke English and no German. They fell in love anyway.
95. A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving. Lao Tzu.
96. As you kissed her, you knew. It was her smile.
97. Care with business cards in Tokyo. But sod it: laugh anyway. Skip the green tea.
98. Observe more; snap fewer photographs. Be here now.
99. Wander in Le Marais. Read about the tragedy. Notice the tears. Some are yours.
100. Sit on the beach and watch the sun go down. Feel blessed.
101. Love travel; love Life.